One of the worst things about working a graveyard shift is the fact that it gives you too much time to yourself, to contemplate everything in your life. And you can't distract yourself because there's nobody awake to talk to. At least I can't. I get so stuck in the rut of my own mind that I can't get out until someone comes along and helps me out. But then tomorrow when I am done working, I'll be sleeping while everyone else is awake, so I might as well send my thoughts out into oblivion where who knows who'll stumble upon them.
So I guess I should start from the beginning.
I have so many dreams.. I remember one every night, usually. Sometimes more than one. You'd think that with having so many dreams, I'd have a nightmare or two. But nope! Somehow I was always lucky enough to dream of silly things. I couldn't remember the last time I had a nightmare. Gut-gripping adventures and courageous tales are things that usually fill my sleeping mind. And sometimes my dreams don't even make any sense! They usually make sense while I'm asleep, but once I wake up and think about them I realize how bizarre they really are. However, I am a firm believer that in most instances, whatever you're dreaming about has some correlation to your life or your feelings about something. So I spend a lot of time thinking about my dreams and comparing them to things in my life. But my musings are usually somewhat farfetched and I will be the first person to admit it. I have always wondered what a dream would be like if it were more realistic. More life like.
A few weeks ago, a horrible thing happened. I had my first nightmare.
I've had scary dreams. But nothing that caused me actual fear or negativity in my everyday life.
This was different. My dream took two of the people I hold dearest and applied my greatest fears to them. Resentment and change. One of my friends resented me. Making promises to pacify me just long enough to get away from me. The other changed. I don't mean a few differences. I mean this person was a completely different person than I ever knew them to be. This person was once the most intelligent person I know, but they threw everything away and turned down some very dark paths.
And with each person, there was absolutely nothing I could do to help them, and they were hurting me but they didn't care.
The despair I felt was the most dreadful feeling I have ever had. It was crippling. And I remember just  thinking how much happier I would be if I didn't exist.
And then I woke up and I was extremely shaken up. I guess if your brain ever took a life like situation and used it to convince yourself using your own thought patterns to convince you that you were better off dead, you might be pretty shaken up as well.
And ever since then I have been afraid.
I try not to show it but sometimes on nights like these, when nobody else is around...
It just builds up and then explodes out.